bugs all over the fucking room

it's so hard to care when all you do is get shit on. i'm in such a crappy mood all i want to do is run outside in the rain and scream my head off. it's not fair, i'm trying to change and no matter what i still don't feel like a whole person. i try to shove it away but truthfully, i'm not enjoying myself. i feel ignored and disreguarded, i feel like i don't matter and i don't know what to do to change that. i've been so afraid of losing my loved ones for so long but maybe it's time for a bigger change, more than just attitude. there is only so many times you can leave your self vulnerable, get hurt, and jump back up. i think my time has come. it's time for gina and no one else. i can't know myself unless i'm out there looking for her. the quest is to find me, if only i had a map